new york

i was mostly me

insecure, alone, independent, bold in that fateful dream way, what else is there to do? no knocking, just approaching, like everything’s a desk with an aloof and vaguely threatening clerk

alternate life, a bit younger, newer, more capable, more future, naïve but ready to rise to the occasion, of finding myself, for some reason, enrolled in a downtown manhattan institute of higher learning, touring the massive-scale density of a contemporary urban edublock, various dorms with names like a cross between a shambhala camp and a toronto subway station in garish neon green timesquare profile lettering, but classy, designed by sly american psychos – checking into my dorm, prior arrangements made in subterranean networks, fiber-optic nursery rhymes, solemn child nodding, running into my cosmopolitan roommates like a ripple in loony dreamfate, fractals and butterfly flaps from the other side of the world hitting this contemporary provincial kootenay entity in the capital of the world, new york – being here for the start of classes, intense julliard level education, was i ready? i wasn’t sure, but i was here to take the challenge, so i had the vague sense i’d better get down to the office and officially enroll in the classes i was supposed to be taking, motivation to flow with fate, it’s the only thing to do, despite feeling alone and apprehensive, a babe in the silicon forest, a realtime nanogrowth of the naughties

remember being out in the crowded narrow streets at night looking for a party – the bars – spotted este there, in some guise, amid hipsters and scenesters – then there was this girl in some snowy rural upstate area, in the coming spring, that i was on speaking terms with partially because she was not a beautiful scenester, but a beautiful person, and i kissed her, and laid her down on the ground, and i wouldn’t mind more dreams like that at all, they keep me coming back to sleep

trips and dreams, it’s been an active imagination lately, but also the ebbs are so deep – have my slow-acting happy pills kicked in yet? i don’t know – the first week, feeling wired and giddy was probably placebo, a real boost, but i saw through it soon enough - i need a blatant physical chemical stimulation to really believe in a drug, although i thought i’d felt that on day 2, i guess my mind is pretty suggestible, but not indefinitely, unfortunately for certain transient happy delusions

the beer didn’t quite have the effect it was supposed to tonight – maybe cause i was stoned too, and too-analytical as usual – too stoned, not quite drunk enough to overcome the analysis – poetic moments, REAL feelings, DEEP feelings, a piano improv i might as well have called magic fader… so i guess i’ll take a drammy and embark on a quest for justice… dreams seem the final frontier for thrills, and for being the man i’m suppose to be – dreams are a refuge, even after all else has been corrupted – hope i’m not too stoned to dream – read a report on erowid tonight about the dull delirium that drammy engenders, like your life is a painting you’re looking at, stripped of morals – tropanes are good sedatives, says crystal g

i actually worried tonight, i’m craving a drug, any drug – well, you know, alcohol does that – or i do that to myself – i guess i’m lucky i can get high on all kinds of things – as long as they’re alkaloids

i bought advil today – liquid fast relief – brand name liquigels

one day
i will be perceived
telepathically
in a necessarily nostalgic photograph