29 Sep 2016

If it works, it works.

Maybe I've become a pragmatist.  A good ol Yankee prag-a-ma-tist.  I can take a feeling of it feeling a little better to humble myself and pray to some thingamagod. . .  And stumble a little further with it.  I was so ground down yesterday I couldn't even write much less try to be clever.  Can I be tempered? I hope so, I don't need so much ego, I could be better to the sweet others in life with less of that.

17 Sep 2016

swiping under the table

Seriously.  Do it.  Stupidly.  Could hand even text purple.  Let's set how sick this thing auto corrected.  Let's check the betwixt of the Alcorn.  And let's Cindy earplugs. Ralph's.  The quick response to the meeting tonight at the school district so I can take a look at the school district so I can take a look at the school district.  Oh no.  We're in a lip.  We're in a lip.  Hey! This could be better than cut ups. Expert is to tuned to myself.  I could create an algorithm they sales others rhythms and rhythms to a new certain percent.  Percentage.  If the fucking gut would most keep it short.  How about suffering people with disabilities good messages but obviously aren't humble s7 all.  Cody this isn't helping.  I still can't find the fucking good out. Fitment bob you know? You know? You know /
? Next time he talks, count how menu times be days you know.  It'll now you're! . You know? Let's set is I can. For up b.

Another like nak would be prudent right now.  Let's set of o van duit they're b is finding of a comfort that I'm the only one who is anywhere near as paved of.  Fitment.  Shit up.  Shot the fuck in. Fitment could you please past past least part please shut the fucking fuck up ;n at least it's got suggesting fixing. . Or ducking. . Fucking hell. B then good tips finished.  This'll fucking good.
It never gets easier. Again. Better look like I'm doing something. Again. Looking like a phone addicted gamer boy being a lesser evil than standing around awkwardly. Exposing the need and social difficulty that's back. Again. Cause it never gets easier. There's only an occasional heaven sent flow I can rarely predict and never count on. But that's not nothing.

Later. Finleys.  Success in sobriety.  For the ages. Of Sagittarius.  Okay for the most part. Dawn is sweet despite my paranoias. But progress.  Like how I play Stardew Valley now instead of Soldier of Fortune. And like how I'm only angry at people at meetings who talk too long because of their cliqueish ness and obnoxious personalities, not because of that AND because of envy over money. And like how I was able to talk to Jeremy.
It's OK to be catatonic as long as you can leave the bar at closing time under your own power.
Don't be extra paranoid.  Plenty enough already.  Don't ruminate, that amplifies delusions. . .
It never feels ok does it? And it's been enough times, I don't think it ever will.  Always the looks. Even when I didn't fuck up.

13 Sep 2016

just get yourself a hunk of bread and chew it like you're solving the worlds problems!

9 Sep 2016

sickness and health - that's one way of thinking about it, maybe a false dichotomy

egging on, whose fault is it?

then there's friendly crumbliness - candid boundary breaking state-shackled conversational reality bubbles - wait, what? wha?

there needs to be more corners cut on sentences

what to do with a false pass out? power through with power nap wake buzzing - that's what you would do - write, when other avenues are exhausted
actually i would rather riff, in real time, why can't i have what i want, instantly, right now? ah, that would require even more energon cubes

i wish my partner in whatever wasn't passed out, it exhausts possibilities, get restless, want to keep riffs going, make static mean something

see what can keep getting away with having way with... draft a draft, sneak out onto the porch to pretend something different is the case - buzz can keep going but has to get soaked in who's the boss episodes? trying to impress anybody? or getting what might as well be there...

wrecked being a directive, a desirable state to attain, or, one way of putting it - navigating between fun-sized inflations of whatever i was talking about before...

another avenue of expression that's not cutting short on a particularly nasty synthetic - it was amarynth, grown in a digital garden, in a sublimely satisfying for two weeks something, but it must be gone, make way for, whatever you were on about before...

cover synthetic sadness in weirdness, cover up seretonin jinks with too true, more than i could explain, anyone ever know, like, daoist shit...

I dunno what I'm gonna do, but i'm not gonna let paranoid thoughts rampage, not fun in my book, good thing my book is worth ougats! the street value is -24 decibals. let's see what we can get it down to, i'm not responsible for my actions, i look for weak corners that i can tear down, for the good of all mankind, in my personal perception, at this moment, whatever is groovy with gravity

it can be hard to do words, when easy paths beckon, but could don't mean should, but then, nothing would ever be written, ah, how achey-breaky-quaint, to reference quaint-ness autohyphenated for your pleasure, who is this? share and enjoy - ah, wink, you knew it was me all along

anything could be laid bare, and why not, but who cares? nothing, words are practically ghostly, i ghost-wrote my autobiography, actually i had it subcontracted to a team of ghost writers, back when that meant something and i had to treat myself to trazodone....

well christ, i might as well at this point
be a slave for schemes to prolong a means to an end... that's ok, i guess, right? i'm asking, but i have no sarcastic rejoinder, it escaped me cause facilities failed me... stretched into a drop

wow, how lite and useless words are, a husk of, well, my feeling for them fell off like a limb blown off, cause that was apparently necessary to say like that - hope i took that traz, i can report on this, cause of the way the value of a reader inflates, or amasses to the size of the ideal, in the rareness, fragility, did i use that word too many times, should i be saying this? what does it matter - ebbs ultimately in the bitcoin, when belief in things melded with words about things, of course i would say that, you gotta sprinkle it all with salt until it dissolves into the soup it propped itself above in a bit to see how a last transition could be inflated above previously considered mandatory negative abyss... could should whatevs - let's just let this loop, or limbistically flallop, this proves i'm not serious, it needn't be said, it'll be taken as evidence!

but i'm trying to serve a moment, where things are measured in coffee spoons - morphine is theoretical, but gravity well happened deeply, it's thankfully not important, needn't be taken seriously, it's what you can get away with and timings, and alarms, and imperatives, better not go in any mephistophelean directions - get wacky subjective searching nevermind....

but somewhere in there is all this, and all that, that passed, but can be remembered, if called upon

i better not let it get to me
better phase seamlessly into amnesia, like it was thankfully for nothing
create a buffer with a combination of white noise and trancy music in a dissociative way, i guess which was what i was looking for, if i was smart and took the traz, i'll be edging seamlessly into just give way to what always turns out into the best dreams when i've acted the worst, maybe that says something, a lesson we can all learn, a doug stanhope bumper sticker - i'm sorry i reinvented the wheel in a craven way, but that's what happened, that's where we are... that's what i'm doing, nursing hops tasting goodness, i needn't freak about navigating others' neurosis, i got plenty else to worry about, that's how i'll all lean on, to hypnotize myself into insisting that i don't believe this or that, feelings are deceiving, even when they rule, master, then reason tries to, fails to, weakens - struggle is tiring - maybe it's good the body sabotages me, or the mind hijacks whatever is responsible for the latest terror catalyst - i will need that traz, but first....

need more perfect syncronization of understanding that will happen with merciful angels who were there in the past, cannot be entirely forgotten

Michael Brooks, the mentor I never met

I have a lot of podcast fraaaaands that I listen to every day. They don't know me but they're my best buds. I have to know their tak...