how the hell can i get out of it? services services services... could pretend i'm being productive, it would be so easy... but i can't fucking stand running out the clock... pretense... dot dot dot... blind leading the blind leading the blind... it's a miracle you're here as often as you are when there's as many rocks to be smoked as i hear there are out there... beyond that, i see no goddamn miracles...

can i get through this, while feeling the futility? just keep up appearances, reflect later when the pressure's off? should i try?

can't stand getting paid for nothing - even if it's effort, that alone is a sick joke, there has to be output - it's so sweet of these people to take a chance on me, and assume my capacity in education and youth work - but i'm out of place and besides that, i just plain hate it - i don't love to hate it, i hate to hate it... but i do, damn it, every time i try, it's torture, shortness of breath, stress pains in the joints, feeling like an idiot and a failure, sysiphian schemes, yeah