i could do what's in front of me - but i have the feeling it wouldn't do any good - i could delay though - and that's what i'm doing - cause i'm not exactly jonesing - and doing what's in front of me, well, it's not all bad - it's not half bad even - maybe i'll do half of what's in front of me - or some fraction, anyway - dishes and laundry, at least - and plants need watering - it's not nearly enough to provide focus, direction, let alone purpose (forget purpose, distraction would suffice), but it's something
i don't make a good goody goody or hero though, i've found - i make a better anti-hero - not that i make a great anti-hero either, just marginally better than the former - i'd probably make a good paranoid android though, yeah
a token effort at being less self-absorbed by reaching out to the world and focusing on the external, is not just a token effort - but it still smacks of one - which makes one wonder, why bother? but i'm sure i'll keep trying, cause it's fundamentally for myself, anyway, to assuage guilt, to be able to say to myself, i at least tried to do something selfless today - i find, though, morality gets boring quickly, and to be boring is the ultimate sin, the deadliest - makes everything feel like death - i suspect it could have quite a lot to do with serotonin
serotonin is a beautiful word - a lot of chemical names are, especially the molecules of organic chemistry, and even better, bio-chemistry - and botany - they sound like music, and saying and typing the names with their correct spellings, hopefully, is like playing an etude de virtuosite
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