Touched. He's touched. I was touched for a moment, that seemed to last forever.
Touched is a much better word than schizophrenic - a townie friend of mine said that, about our mutual friend. I have the urge to perform a metaprogramming hack on myself, like Eliot with Evilcorp, that character in Mr. Robot and henceforth copy and replace the word and henceforth my reality. Evilcorp. Can't even remember what the original "real" name of that possibly fictional corporation was. Would that I had such schizophrenic powers, but alas, I'm not touched, merely a clumsy hacker without a script, a magician sans technique. Good probably, I couldn't handle it. A seasoned touched person can attempt to medicate on brute force tranqs like lithium.
No, I'm not relapsing, just had a dream that lasted maybe two hours "real time" but it was one of those glimpse of infinity insanity and reality dreams that are eternal in some sense, that motivated me to write, in a real time season of no words, only externally imposed, internally complicit routines. One of those dreams I get on the very rare seed occasions that I fall asleep, finally, without taking my sleep medication. It gave me the urge to meditate, cogitate. Instead I followed a well worn script, got up, feeling awake in a way I haven't in years, smoked a cigarette, poisoned myself in weathered floor crafting recipies. Not selfish hedonism drug trip scripts, just slow death unhealthy living patterns I've slid into, forever postponing the futile proactive probiotic future crystal floor path recipe.
Made me think and feel about being "touched" though, ideas like I should reach out to friends of ours that are touched, who better to talk of these things with. Or who worse? Who better or worse than our touched friends, or the friend that worded it in a perfect folksy way, who's now in a real earthy life script of raising a new life he co-created.
Of course I can't really write about it. But here's a community college try.
Fading, like a dream, or a psychedelic revelation, which is really a whole nother thing. The rare dream thing sans sleeping pills, that's more in line with Ian Welsh's eerie mention of being young, hospitalized, in extreme physical and mental pain, but the mental was infinitely worse, and probably caused in part by medical steroids administered routinely on a living death-bed, partly alleviated by morphine and demerol. All things being equal, he wrote, mental pain is worse than physical, and nausea is worse than anything. Don't think he was even thinking of Satre or mescaline.
Just thinking, being touched by powerful mind altering substances and affliction. But getting good words out of it, in the end, in the current hegemonic language, even if words are so clumsy. But magic tech is getting ever more sophisticated, if that's the word. We're all touched by it. Increasingly running on code that could be transparent, but who ever clicks on the show source tab? Information overload, medicated dreams.
Love is a word that's so cheap, I'm falling in love with Abigail, not really, she's nothing but a few pixels, she's a sprite with a few animations, not even an avatar, a short tree, a few possibilities.
