16 Sep 2018

just works

"I reckon the sun's made of coal," he said, the prospector who lost his claim, on his short walk to the gallows. Poor man, no fight left, nothing for it but to muse on nature itself in the last few minutes of his life. It must be coal, like all that coal he found, had a claim on for a while, so much coal it would burn for six thousand years, give or take a couple centuries. It makes my chest ache, so painfully adorable to hear him, but I'm not condescending, I'm admiring. It's not a bad theory, there's some basis for it. He did better than I'd do, probably, in his place and time, with my questionable curiosity. 

Modern technology cured my curiosity problem, it was problematic to want to know so many things, I can instead just take for granted that whatever works works. Just works, like google said their email just works, except they have to change it every year, and I have to dig around in the flags menu for hidden options to change it back to what "just worked" for me forever.

14 Sep 2018

gotta bump

and not care, like old times - not like old times in the bad way, just in the way that i gotta unreasonably make room for new stuff, or just blankness, don't wanna be seeing the already over-exposed recent posts, so


4 Sep 2018

Digital self-mutilation as Catharsis

Ignored at the meeting by the monstrous chad because of the easily missed frequency of my voice, when I tried to be friendly and join the conversation. Just wanted to say that "drag" could mean male dressing as female, but also the other way, since you were asking - but I'm not heard. The words get lost cause my voice won't cut, even when straining against paranoid modesty to boost the signal. But also, be casual cause it doesn't sound friendly forced. I can see the genes in that, my mom's smile a constructed wall of teeth. I think she fakes it to make it, but she does make something. I'm not even upset at being ignored so much as looking like a pathetic loser who tried and failed to be part of the gang - then retreated instead of asserting himself. So I'm not noticed, but also seen to be a fool? Logic would say I'm either seen or not seen, but there's no logic in this.

Now neurosis can be bootstrapped to a murder spree because the internet. That's why I used that word "chad" to signal I've just become familiar with incel culture, thanks to a video of an outsider with some ins, exploring and critiquing the newest sickest net craze.

I try to make up for my shameful loss of face they may or may not have noticed, by reading our meeting's preamble aggressively: Clear yet colloquial, leaning into severed gerunds, routing edges with power tools. Still the wrong frequency. Can only do so much because of that bone-structure dictating a chain of consequences from childhood, sledge-hammer impact awareness of being the smallest guy in every group of peers, to internalization of physical stature, to stillborn confidence that never had a chance to vitalize a personality. The guy who reminds me of the people I counter-hated in high school is sharing, so, here's some body language for you people who are good at that sort of thing: I'm swiping this text into my phone to distract myself from your rapacious voice.

Oh God. I'm already infected with incel-ese, I'm black pilled from just watching that ContraPoints video - and it was supposed to be disinfectant. And I loved the humour that soothed her examination into such ugly psychologies of disturbing familiarity - but what's lingered for me is the incel's morbid relief in baring the hard truths of love and sex from the floor of evolution's dungeon. It can be so clarifying, if I can see it as the sociological vectors that led to my insecurities, and not as Final Truth "because it hurts the most", like hello? Epistemic masochism, duh. It can be useful if I don't take it too far, like whoever that incel terrorist shit was who was called a "supreme gentleman" by the other incel terrorist shit. If there's one thing he wasn't, it's gentle - he doesn't get to be that, even if his gentle sensibilities were so tortured by life that he abandoned them in the end to vent rage with murder. Well then, guess he wasn't gentle after all. And he doesn't get to be a man. Facing a difficult life of long lonely stretches with some stoicism is rather manly, regardless of whether you ever get the "got-laid" merit badge. Killing for self-expression isn't gentle, or manly, just gross, "like, so-gross-ah... like, wha'a freak-ah..." Now you've made their dumb comments legit, now they're deserved. Sad for you, tragic for your victims. But they are yours at least, if nothing else is, you can own the dead cause you couldn't own them alive, so let them be your legacy, your victims.

Luc was a gentle man. He did well with the ladies before I knew him, but in the divorced dad era he was often an incel - and haven't we all been there brother? Most of us? Some of us? But even then, he had his moments. This paisan, he had some balls on him, he got out there and tried, and once in a while goddamnit, he got himself some. And on those occasions he'd put his under-utilized talents to joyful employment. He wasn't cringing from the femoids, he wouldn't shroud them in black veils to spare himself the torture of their faces. Even a 2.3 was worth a double-take, many ways to appreciate. We needn't go misogynist, a gentleman can see the even worse situation of most women in the gauntlet of impossible standards. But that's why I found the video fascinating, because there is a place for an under-represented slice of the male perspective, the history written by the losers, on blogger. Society could do to hear more from incels, problem being that, of course, they get wrung through the internet coming out "men's rights" activists at best. From there is a sickening drop off. There could be something good to make of this incel awareness, but it ends up in shooting sprees and van attacks. Just wonderful.

Everybody, look at my Crossfit body, is all I can think of her, even though as usual, she's got a great recovery message. Cue self-obsession tangent: What kind of cel am I? Let's say, wristcel. No, armcel, it's all about thin arms, that's my glass ceiling. "Armcel", my contribution to the culture, my toxic agitprop, sui-fuel for those who have the steel to end themselves. [I don't, and honestly, I envy their strength - if it's a real attempt it really is strength, like a gun in the mouth, can't be easy to pull that trigger]. I'll draw a stick figure, except no, cause I can't exaggerate lack of muscle on a stick figure, it will need to be a drawing with some limb-width baseline. Then I can put my likeness in a bell curve gutter next to that reference, Microsoft Paint catharsis, to upload for upvotes for bright side is suicide.

On my best days, I can get real honest, then articulate the honesty, though I've never gotten past some barriers protecting little reserves of ego you wouldn't even suspect I'm harboring - see how honest I am? Except for the reserves. At my most hope-cel, I can think of this honesty as style, a charm that could escape hard limits of skull to orbit sex appeal. And the stubborn faith that I have no faith in salvation through Crossfit persists - yeah it doesn't fit me, and I kinda like that I'm not into it, I got standards for myself, like it's not a good look to be looking to be good-looking. And always the shame of that, knowing how comforting it is to dismiss what I won't bother trying to obtain when it seems like a fucking fool's errand, and I'm not quixotic enough. Hey, that's my style, so fine, I'll own whatever void rushes in.