22 Sep 2017

Okay, if you're gonna pull rank here at this recovery center, and mandate participation as a condition of staying here, I'll watch '"The Secret" with everyone else. But I'm going to wear two eye patches I stole from Roxie, and plug my ears with a strand of paper I ripped off a cigarette carton. And I'm going to be on four seroquel and two trazodone I traded JR a mini keyboard for, cause after the last group therapy session I'd decided I was done with music, forever. Really fixating on the idea of forever. But I'll sit there in front of the screen. You won't dare make me take it in. This is a drug treatment program, not a clockwork orange style violent thug conversion surgery. I don't want to wash out like that pathetic kid who plays the piano better on a meth comedown than I do on my best day but does still reflect in a hateful way many of my own deficiencies. So pathetic! I don't wanna be crushing valium pills between two rocks and snorting it up right there, not even in the back, but middle row, of the greyhound bus bringing some of us assisted living fucktard losers back to our various halfway functional residencies and kitchens. The chef I remember from the Hume who slipped and fell into a plane of tinfoil with dunes of baking soda, here and there, oases of product.

17 Sep 2017

sorry people - i'm a mess - even worse on the inside - i put on a skin cream that fills the pores in such a way as to block pheromones - on the whole i thought it would be better, just block all of it, cause the only pheromones that were gonna get out were just sadness and desperation, so if i can at least become invisible in that dimension, for me, it'd be a net positive, like if i was a paraplegic, i'd compensate in other ways

some people even tolerated my sad silliness for a while, it gives me pangs they did that, having to deal with my crazy bullshit - the noise to signal ratio is pretty good, but oh, those times when i get stupid, those are hard to take for some folks - one of them even gave me a nerve pill, when i needed to calm down enough to sleep

i need a new life, a new name, a new face, a new place - i've disgraced myself in too many ways around here, and the online networks i created - need to be one of those shape-shifters, slip, change my shape, do it with grace, to save face - not fuck it all and go for the mersandol - just change the face, wouldn't it be nice if i could do that

still not ready for religion though, that's not what i want - maybe just some, some, thing i don't have the word for, so i won't try to think of it...

not ready to come back to aa either, that's quite a bind - maybe i need to make my own cult, feel the satisfaction of having others believe my mystic whimsy way more than i ever did, like i told a good story, and made a daily living guidebook to go with it