17 Sep 2017

sorry people - i'm a mess - even worse on the inside - i put on a skin cream that fills the pores in such a way as to block pheromones - on the whole i thought it would be better, just block all of it, cause the only pheromones that were gonna get out were just sadness and desperation, so if i can at least become invisible in that dimension, for me, it'd be a net positive, like if i was a paraplegic, i'd compensate in other ways

some people even tolerated my sad silliness for a while, it gives me pangs they did that, having to deal with my crazy bullshit - the noise to signal ratio is pretty good, but oh, those times when i get stupid, those are hard to take for some folks - one of them even gave me a nerve pill, when i needed to calm down enough to sleep

i need a new life, a new name, a new face, a new place - i've disgraced myself in too many ways around here, and the online networks i created - need to be one of those shape-shifters, slip, change my shape, do it with grace, to save face - not fuck it all and go for the mersandol - just change the face, wouldn't it be nice if i could do that

still not ready for religion though, that's not what i want - maybe just some, some, thing i don't have the word for, so i won't try to think of it...

not ready to come back to aa either, that's quite a bind - maybe i need to make my own cult, feel the satisfaction of having others believe my mystic whimsy way more than i ever did, like i told a good story, and made a daily living guidebook to go with it

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