what you're missing

i gotta feel close to something
i gotta get shot down
but i gotta try
this doesn't satisfy

i turned my back on drugs again, today
but i would have loved to dip in again
even now, so close to the last lapse

hanging with my friends
hoping for kate or katie to show
or contra to call, or someone
or something interesting to happen
occasionally contributing to the very interesting
conversation on physics and mystics
but needing something, drugs, love
smoking too many cigarettes, smokes
do nothing for me anymore except
hurt my throat
starting to really want a drink, almost
ready to say fuck it, so i left instead
back home to type this

on the way home i saw someone
on the deck of that house, so
she's around, just not responding
just the sight, really set me off
somewhere, this is getting nowhere
i'm starting to bore myself, and get tired
throat hurts from smoke, it's so pointless
but better drugs would serve a purpose
and in lieu of any better purpose
i can describe the narrow band of intelligence
necessary to have gotten myself out of self-destruction today
i guess that's something

but i don't want to be a monk
i've got to get my endorphins somewhere
yeah, like i've moaned before, it's just another one of these

closer to normalcy, closer to the void
no tweaky shell of me, but that's a kind of substance
this is not so substantial, it feels so futile
maybe the zoloft's not working anymore, maybe i should
go back to 100 milligrams, that's a nice round number
a magic number, that might bring me back

where are you?