what child is this?

-

beryllium

that is my code name for briar, on some occasions

my love of chemistry and my love for a woman meld in that moniker

so i guess i'll talk about that, since it's on my mind - the thing i lost

women - you can't live with them and you can't live without them

i guess you can, but it's harder - it may, in fact, be harder to live without than with

certainly the heart grows fonder, in absentia - to an excruciating degree

i wouldn't have thought i'd be carrying a torch six months after the ambiguous turned concrete break up, but i found the torch materialize in my hand from thin air... 

imagine different time streams... choices at the quantum level, pre-destiny, or fissures in fate...

throwing caution to the wind and having a child - or maybe just a marriage, like an adult, like my sister, always three steps ahead of me in this life thing, and yet two years younger... we share genes, but we've diverged in our life paths and created different time streams

a marriage, with no kids, but a commitment, a ring from three months "salary" (haha, some fraction of what i pull in washing dishes for minimum wage)... i complained bitterly about my job at times, but it's true, i've been lucky to be employed in even menial positions - nothing is really menial when you get right down to it - it's not good for me to be unemployed, which is why i seek volunteer work - it's not good for me to be single, which is why i'm kind of grieving a bit over the loss of that woman - only now, is it hitting me hard - i'm not gonna be a hurtbag about it i don't think, i haven't gone to that extreme, i've barely complained about it at all, not like i did at the bitter end of the five year thing with the other girl - she was a girl to me, but also a woman, a deep and disturbed one, who i think has made some better healthier time streams for herself

not sure if this has bearing or not, but actually i am sure: my friend luc presciently and rhetorically asked: how thick does the steak need to be? actually it wasn't rhetorical and eternally pertinent

the joy of sculpture, lego manipulation becomes a castle of tumours - not eyepowder though, that wretched alluring thread... finchy saved it, for posterity - we're gonna need records

sound shapes, like bobby terrence experimented with

Cadmium

the forgotten element