still putting it to no use
lot of effort for nothing productive
if it is a sterile vitality, i should not succumb to depression and self-hating because of old artificial morality and superstitious nonsense - the irony is, i would, after all this time, coming from feeling so rational, no-nonsense, penetrating clarity of thinking, to seeing why nonsensical things exist, to contracting stockholm syndrome from a cruel and irrational world - it's not all cruelty, sometimes irrationality is the only salvation, but it's a sometimes salvation, gets to seem insufficient, makes me feel the malnutrician i can normally ignore
i'm still creating an apocalypse for myself every week or so - pushing back any kind of redemption, again and again, kicking it far into the future - some day i might kick it so far it falls off the edge of the earth - relapse, but no recovery, none left in me
still, no, i won't do it - won't bring a child into it to save my own soul
still i can just lean on the one time i had reason to buy plan b
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