16 Jan 2019
you can always fall back on the truth
Now I'm sure. And now I'm angry.... at the very point you admit you're wrong, when you're throwing me conciliation. Cause now I'm sure. Which is an admission I wasn't sure before, as I raged, unsure I wasn't raging wrongly. But now I'm even angrier cause I'm sure. And thanks I guess for at least granting me that surety, finally, turning off the gaslight. Actually I don't "guess", I'm sure it really is something to be thankful for. But the anger I now know is justified must be put to use, at long last. Kind of a shame your retreat to honesty is the site of your ruin. Your dishonesty was your strength, and it was weakness to tell the truth, but it's what you fall back on when all other options are gone. But it would be epically weak not to take this advantage and I see that winning trumps compassion, it always did, as I watch you losing, seeing there's no consolation, nothing, and of course it'll come back at me, there'll be hypocrisy and let-down all around, but it's still better than being where you are, infinitely. But it's not as fun as it might have been, to disinfect this capital with fire and bleach. The sun is shining but it never disinfected anything, you were out in the open, insisting you were justified, so sophisticated. The sun is shining down on a sterile wreck of a city, all that sophistry now a worthless currency, now we try and synthesize money from honesty.
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I'm working out new ways to perform and record. They take the form of melodic fragments, half-assed renditions of half-remembered songs,...