Genetic method

Awkward, forced, sincerely moronic persuasion. If it fell upon me to prevent the black sheep in the family from self-destruction – I would give a speech. It would be lame. But the emotion might show through anyway. The genuine desire to keep a parent, sibling, whatever. If I was hanging from the rock, I’d probably want to survive. But at some point, I might just give in to gravity, let go. In the chasm, nothing is off limits.

I’ll settle for your crumbs at this point. They’re all I deserve. Your crumbs and my thumb. Momentary addiction that doesn’t touch the general deficiency. Of mental sustenance. Too many filthy words here. I thought of smiling, as a strategy. Smiling until the wavelength is mutual. I thought of applying. Applying at a theatre, a laundromat. As a strategy. But the game is rigged.

Never got to the high horse of meditation. I’m on a rocking horse. Beating a dead horse. Wearing a rut in the floorboards. Bored. Listening to pink noise on headphones. And my own words. This is where the genes diverge. But it’s a different world than in my parents’ day. It’s Hitler’s bunker. Decadent and dying. Information distraction. Now the broad view brings with it all the glares and glints of celestial reflection. 0.11 divergent. Rut run with a sidesplit bulldozer path. Closed to thru traffic.

Class war was supposed to motivate me. But I ran out of red flags. I ran out of people. I don’t want to annoy the public anymore. I gave up the smiling strategy, although I torture myself by looking when I can, for as long as nerve will hold. Then I resume the scowl, the pre-emptive “fuck you”, because you don’t like me. You’re all against me.

Wow, my mood is fucking horrible today. I don’t really know why. My life isn’t any better or worse than last week, by any metric I can devise. And yet, mood is black and bottomless. Has been for a few days now. I don’t even want to bring chemicals into it. Maybe I’m just revealing the surface of darkness. Circumference of sickness. Don’t even have any sarcasm.