17 May 2007

i no longer play songs for you

i did move the keyboard
but it was too heavy
not worth it, i decided
after the fact, and fiction

almost worth it, maybe
almost like old times
except too much consciousness now
too many associations, too many expectations
taking offense when people don't say hi to me
what am i owed
did i offend you
imply you were part of the bob-dylan cover playing crowd
i was rascally scorning, really quite innocent
just trying to make conversation
an error in judgment
but i was drunk and stoned
like t’s friend said she was
to excuse her touting a
pseudo-scientific theory
i loved her for saying that

i found the improv guitarist on stage
like a soul-mate in the moment, t
bluntly said she sucked, while i was trying
to enjoy - i'm the virtuoso, apparently, but that’s a lie
we're not in the bell curve, no, and it's not alright
eccentricity is only fun for so long, after a while
you just want to be normal, the
effervescing elephant doesn't do it for you
so i should have said something, but
i'm not conditioned to seek rewards
reap rewards, wreak rewards

"how does it feel?"
that fucking refrain in my head
the girl who didn't even acknowledge, what am i, invisible?
the girl who did, did i waste it?
who was it who cheered me after the jam?
(don't get ideas, you void-filled fuck)
"a complete unknown"
yeah, okay, i get the metaphor
maybe i hate it because it’s too true
it’s too you, i can’t enjoy your wonderful poetic moment
because those days are gone for me, something died
but its zombified corpse lurches around, stupidly
going through the motions, looking for that missing
thing, desperation
is so ugly

there is no free lunch
euphoria requires a hellish plunge

but there are surges
where i feel like i have weight
when power scares me and it's something i shrug off
now i sound like a sanctimonious saint

i'm not addicted to them, i just crave them
i want to be down
don't want to write a letter to someone
don't want to foist things, don't want people to feel
my pain when there's nothing to be done
nothing to fill an invisible void
but now i just want to be down
don't want to be concerned

you should appreciate, you're an amateur asshole
you do it for the love of assholery
how can you condemn my accidentally
being an asshole, by saying i was pissed they
took so long to put me on stage, it was okay
i jelled with the drummer
the positive adjective
don't want to desire
except desiree

pity is underrated, costanza said
i loved it, we all had a good laugh
sickened some, but that was in times
when shootings were a subject

downers, i desire
more down, i want
to dull everything
am i boring you? good
you - how hilarious

i haven't talked to my girl on the phone
it is weird - our relationship
in a way only those heart matters can be, murmuring mutants
oh, sick is just a word
i haven't appreciated the nuances of malfunction yet
at least i said a few witty things tonight
but now i'm down on everything
just down it all, down me

no song
no letter
i'm not playing for you

it's okay - i love you, anyway, everyway, every day, i do
i love you, down just seems so sweet, like
i'd like to take you down with me
it's not an underworld - it's our dreams
we can mingle further than we have, bringing back the sublime cryptic
like when we wrote poetry together, when we synced up
like that, shared those moments with each other

the crowd likes non meaning
i'd like to cram it down their throat

no cram, though, no song, no letter
but a mirror, mirroirs on piano
it's not just a riff, it's
seeing me too clearly
down, cut, let information drain
cut it off from me
but what does it say
about me?

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