Well, now THAT was a psychedelic trip!!!

Much more than I bargained for.
Was just gonna lie down and hopefully see some cool shit
but holy living fuck was that intense
on a par with any shroom or acid trip I’ve ever had


total breakdown
full on hallucinations, seething currents of colour
contoured, creased, self-effacing folds of
blood-pooled personal aesthetic, THAT space…
except introduce, into the mix
my ex, calling out of the blue


wow
puked my guts out, synesthetic puked freakout

feared for my sanity
thought i’d lost it completely, out of time, out of ego, who am i, who am i supposed to be? imperative, vague sense i could get something out of this, but impossible, horrible tension, even after purging physically, life is an impossibly crazed dynamic, impossible to feel, grating dichotomy, “cool” lost its relevance, had nothing to hold together

so i reached out for whoever was there, she was there, on the phone
was actually good, novelty, and yet old timey
sick hallucinogenic intertwine
but amid the chaos, searching for something that was healthy, that still feels vital

something before and after the giggling fit of the absurd intermediary

always opportunities for self delusion, isn’t that all there is?
so much of the time wrapped up in platitudes, like even now
but turn your senses up to 1000%, and then… behold… too much
too damned much

kind of nice aftermath though, a tryptamine afterglow
like i’m refreshed, blank slate, can be a different person now
i did totally flip out, seemed inevitable, but she was there
so there was a certain style to it, when we did things together
when she took me places, and put clothes on me

and i took her places, in my head

well, now i can do something pedestrian
like drink beer, but i feel like i actually did something good for my head
taking that DPT, like it wasn’t a horrible mistake
even though it made me puke, and felt wrong
but it did remind me of how illusory everything is

with tryptamines, the sickness is the first thing you feel
and then the sublime radiates outward after that initial conflict
giving possibility to life, it’s a reverse hangover

whereas with most other drugs
the feeling of possibility is the first thing you feel
and then it fades, and turn artificial

tryptamines are good that way, they leave you with something

that was a nice goodbye to DPT, probably my last trip with that chemical
my first real psychedelic trip in years, nevermind that stuff with k
which is another thing in itself, but with less bearing on waking life
but getting back to the tryptamine for one last hurrah
was a fitting tribute, a grotesque and hallucinogenically riotous farewell
yeah, it was enlightening, no bullshit – and i must give my past trips their due as well – they were all serious high stakes territory – no fooling around, no happy go lucky kiddie trips – they all brought me to that place – of hyper context and sensory overload.

I’m actually enjoying the tryptamine post-trip glow - the body buzz – now that the horror is over – just happy to be alive. There was a lot of potential there. I’m accustomed to slaving for old patterns. I’m horrible that way – I’ve got a memory. I’ve got etchings. I cut deep. I go over the patterns, wear them into grooves.

Hey, I gave myself plenty of time to recover, at least. Yeah, I’m back to the old paradigm drugs, the booze – the ones that go with this paradigm. The dao isn’t as bright as it used to be. Those innocent times. I was ultimately innocent and ugly a couple of hours ago. I’m wired to respond in a finicky freakout way.

Back to black and white.