came to believe

dreaming of ayahuasca... dreamed of ayahuasca, rather... no quilt, but some reality... a seasaw... controlled conditions here and there -- even puked the first time, like you're supposed to, but i didn't freak out about it - and it was just the one time... i was at a cabin staying with some friends, some hippie-ish freaky friends that i've never had in real life - we dosed and wandered off separately, around a campground, reconvened at the cabin, compared notes

still within the dream was the context of my new paradigm apathy toward psychedelics - i recognized this, but felt rejuvenated all the same, like hey, there's something to this, after all, you know, something grand and pure and beautiful and terrible, that i took a wide detour around by "graduating" to narcotics - there's something sometimes okay with reverting to a babbling drooling infant in the face of pixies that will sing you iridescent songs while they tear you apart with their jeweled steel jaws

i did it a second time, hoping for even more hallucinations - so they poured me the extra strong tea - and i gulped it all down - and a feeling came over me, a dis-ease, that reminded me of the times, as a child, when i'd be playing with my friends, and we'd be doing something daring, like swimming in the chilly may lakewaters, or adventuring in the snow on the coldest day of january, and we'd be pumped up and hardcore, and egg each other on to do more, and some of my thicker-skinned friends would be going back out to the wilderness for more "fun" after a brief and soothing respite from the elements - and i'd be sitting there on the beach dreading the moment that one of them would call to me, hey you sissy, aren't you coming out with us again? and the inevitable call would come, and i'd say, nah, i'm done, i've had enough fun for now, and then i'd resent my "friends", okay, friends, whatever, operational definitions, and think, christ, didn't i do enough, enduring the cold for as long as i did? doesn't ten minutes for me count for like sixty for normal people? but apparently not

but it was too late to go back, this was the plunge that you take without a parachute - so i tried not to worry too much, utterly failing, and this feedback loop of paranoia seemed to start bringing the trip on way way premature, like the walls were already breathing - and it was then i thought, DAMNIT, why did i scarf down BOTH of those tasty ham and cheese wraps just ten minutes ago? and what else did i eat before that without thinking? i was gonna take AYAHUASCA, which i did, and now i'm gonna be puking up god knows what god knows when? and i didn't even think about the mono amine oxidase inhibitor restrictions that could turn me into hypertension boy for as long as my heart's beating at least, fuck, did i eat any blue cheese? christ, can't remember, can't think, thoughts are moving, moving pictures...

then there was the spinning wheel ride, but i'm too tired to try and recall that right now...