i look desperately forward to the time that they will - i remember times when they have, but no date has been set, it's so indefinite
2+2=5=god is my summary of kirkegaard's spiritual outlook
you must believe in spite of rationality to get near the place that god exists
that's sort of how cyril thinks too, i think, or feels
he says something like: if there was no necessity for faith
there would be no power or point to god
that makes sense to me, but it also seems coldly utilitarian, self-serving
it's paradoxical, kirkegaard would agree
i can neither feel or think to any purpose these days
poisoned in mind and body
and certainly soul, wherever that is
this is a bad place to be
but there could be chasms even below that
maybe that knowledge is keeping me alive
or the thought of lucky rocketship underwear being useful
like in some barely remembered happy enough time
trying to get healthy
been coughing for so long
i threw my smokes in the garbage
which i've done many times
i thought, let's see how i feel when i get my next urge to smoke
i'll look down at the garbage and think about digging them out
if i think long enough, i'll decide not to
anyway, i thought to force some future thought
maybe i won't take that shortcut to thinking i normally do
upon reflection, i realized i also had to tear them up
because if there was the convenience of pre-rolled tailors lying there
i would probably dig them out
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