painful reminders

artistic expression
reminds me of ego
"look at this thing i made, aren't i awesome?"

ego makes me do things for instant gratification
reminds me of drugs
"look at this drug i took, aren't i awesome?"

drugs remind me of hangovers
"look at this pain i've caused, aren't i the scum of the earth?"

that's why it's hard to do anything creative when i'm down like that
it's painful
maybe i should play bach, instead of trying to improvise
but that takes work, playing bach, requires a lot of memory
i did manage to get a few good feelings while improvising
when i'm this depressed, i get more expressive than practically ever
even though it's hard to play even a note, it's the tragic feeling
of nothing having any value, nothing i do being of any use
no light at the end of the tunnel, no more chances
but i put it all into the music, that feeling sometimes
i guess it helped, a little, just now
as does writing, a little
don't want to lie down, i haven't earned it yet, haven't lived enough normal life
for a day yet