the purpose of saving money is so you can waste it – you get the long-term satisfaction of being smart and prepared and slow & steady, and on the good purposeful path – and then you get the carefree satisfaction of burning it all in a weekend – win-win

fuck the fucking pixies

they're not that cool

just wanted to say that

placeholder

[oh, how there needs to be some placeholders - some, not one, but several placemats under plates piled with filler, garnished with cool arugula banter, distractingly flavorful, cause that's where the flag people are waving me in

so here, cause i can hide the frustratingly flat nature of this plateau with sculptures of ice and gum, squeeze my stress into a squishy blob, put things up around me, hide the horizons choked with electromagnetic noise, they flicker but never change substantively, there's still a feeling lying under everything, eternal sleep, not death, but not life

manyana caffyana hadn't done that balls-out balls-deep shuffle in a while, don't know when it'll be gotten to again, or if that's even possible today or tomorrow - castaneda's leading me on, or so i thought a minute ago - not enough whitley streiboids per capita here in the desert to avoid talking to myself, but that chatty castanet almost sounds like somebody, i'll go with that

i'll keep the severe photo up on my wall, and maybe it's not handsome, maybe not my best pose, but it tells more truth than the good photographer captured]

insoluble

mustardayonnaise man, gotta break me out of jail

my term won't expire

what innocuous-looking street will lead to the next polite fight? falling short, fail, abort, retry, what will it be next time? another exhausting pondering? or an accusation just deserved enough to spur me on, to try to right another wrong, in an endlessly repeating fraction? i ought to care about this - i have to care about that - oh i know, sorry - i'm not apathetic about not caring - why not quadruple the negative while we're at it? it would be so wonderful if i cared, i'd be the person i agree i ought to be - you have no idea how hard i try, to care, i push shit uphill, both ways

i wish i could shrug it all off, and stop caring about what i don't care about - i wish i could stop trying to pretend - i haven't been my own man since, well, childhood - so is this me being an adult? then the game ain't worth the candle

oh, here's a drain wave again - a whirl down the spout

thought i had energy today

thought i didn't need coffee

almost fooled myself about there being a new page

the human spirit, etc.

i was meant for greed
coulda been a contender, so greedy
coulda been the champion, the greediest
people woulda needed me, and i coulda been so good
at being rich and nothing else

i remember the money games i came up with as a kid
that were like spontaneous training, that i never used later in life
i got my sister, and my friends, and my friends' sisters
to ride around on the deck of david's parents' house
on tricycles and bicycles and fischer price layers
of social stratas while i sat on the center table
collecting and apportioning coins and bills from the 1980s
according to an evolving system of rules
that felt natural in a brilliant synthetic subset of nature
that was my diamond-in-the-rough creation, work is play!
a moment in the sun, a glint, a hint of coulda-beens

if i don't do it, somebody else will
so let them
let them get credit, let them get laid
let them be the horny holy prophet

incidentally, it's in us all to express genius and power
i'll wave my warms in an inclusive manner as i hear the ring of spring reverb
we've all been deputized to do this or that, but changes could be made, internally