I haven't wanted to admit that I'm purposeless. But I'm coming to the point of needing to do that, and asking the necessary question of where do I go from here, and admitting that digital information isn't enough. I can't really be happy in a cave of my own making. Maybe I could in another reality where I wasn't sitting idle, by being in that cave, during a high speed collision course with global catastrophe.
I haven't wanted to admit that I'm purposeless and discontent with the cabin fever because I liked the idea that i perversely appreciated the loneliness and isolation and delirium of it all, and I could "get away" with it, and that would be a fuck you to the society I scorn and still scorn. But in truth, it's not enough for me. It's taking a toll. I'm not right with myself, haven't been in a long time.
But I wanted to pretend that I stomached the sickness and held it in, and described it and that was a grungy artform with its own acquired aesthetic. Thus, the reluctance to admit outright how spiritually, morally, and purposefully bankrupt I am, and the implications of that, and the change it requires. Even as I'm writing a daily deluge of prose that screams emptiness and aimlessness. But intrinsic to that was a kind of anesthetic from the ache of the emptiness through wallowing in it, indulging it to poetic extremes and then being afforded the luxury of standing back and beholding My Emptiness from the vantage of a carnival freakshow spectator or the sophist who derives her sense of individuality through regarding a snuff video from an oddly artistic angle. And besides, I would sometimes arrogantly extend this emptiness to the world, and say that everyone must necessarily be hollow, whether they knew it or not.
I can see more and more how drugs and that way of life took a toll, especially the uppers, and how even years later, I'm dealing with the radioactive waste from that time, the stunted growth, and the frayed wiring.
It's a good thing I'm in the program of AA, I can't do any good unless I stay sober first and it works beautifully as a metaphor for the macro scale problems we face collectively. My sobriety will synergize with my participation in creating a better future and my participation in that will strengthen my sobriety.
So, I've suddenly become a political blogger? No, I have about zero faith in political solutions. Who to vote for? Is there a "sustainability party"? The Green Party I guess, maybe I should have a closer look at their platform. But the phrase green has been around too long, I now associate it with little bandaids like bicycle paths, and the local organic grocery co-op, not the kind of radical shifts that are now urgently needed. Maybe they should change their name to the Sustainability Party. Or maybe people like me have got to become more comfortable with a certain language.
I have the feeling that whoever ends up in charge of the apparatus of any state, no matter what their intentions, will succumb to moneyed interests and endemic corruption. So the system needs to change. Maybe electoral reform will be enough. The major parties have to go away. They've failed. They're hopeless. The democrats republicans liberals conservatives labour tories maybe even ndp. All the aspiring power brokers have got to fuck off or be fucking shoved out of the way. There will have to be some violence, I'm pretty sure. I just hope it won't have to be too much.