22 Sep 2014

church mouse

all precautions in operation, headphones, sound blanket, everything except what i can't control, the mechanical source of the sound that gets past the dampening, through the floor - and i'm in trouble for playing music again, fuck

finally get out of my slump and play a little keyboard and i'm in trouble for it, and my dumb enflamed emotions signal that it's a punch to the gut, tension headache starting already... feeling very fuck it, want to change consciousness immediately

more than anything, i'm angry - for being chastised, yelled at through the floor, forced to imagine myself as an annoying blundering idiot who i'd make into a big ugly strawman, and there's that extra bonus of knowing i was in the wrong to prompt an assholish overreaction almost anyone would emulate, so i'm not allowed to be angry, plus it's the dubious luxury of normal men, remember?

maybe i could start this new phase of going full-on monk eunuch, accelerate what's already happening anyway - to become a church mouse, worship a language out of earshot, in passing, and mostly just survive on crumbs, and not really worship anything, not grateful

well, my style's gonna get cramped quick... what else can't i do in my own damn apartment? so the paranoia was justified right from the first round of retaliatory pounding, nearly knocked my good old h4n from my computer tower - fucking hell, seven hells too, why not throw them in? what to do now? paralyzed, obsessed, and depressed... turn this already monastic space into the house of total prayerful reflection, subservient to the lord of hypocrites and anal undead?

or cut extrovert activities entirely and write the great solo solipsistic novel? for myself? unless i can't even type either - cause i'm already beaten into a little corner of a shell, paranoid, creeping, suppressed mightily - maybe this is why those others hate it here, what they were trying to impart to me, about the community crap, the crap community... ...... ...... .......... ... . ..... ... .. .!

where can i go to escape conflict? i don't know, nowhere i guess - what drugs can i take to escape conflict? only the ones i can't take - how can i talk about this? i can't, really, or even write, but i'm trying a little bit online, and malik's putting up with it, he actually responded like a good friend would

so let it be written, so let it get stuffed, let it be stuffy, fuck it, fuck all of it, strip the air of every kind of molecule but a synthetic few, thin down the fresh, thicken up emotions for a canned starch

maybe i'll just take what drugs i'm still vouch-safed to take - another round of trazodone, back to the regular dose and then some... man, i'm really angry and a bit lonely, and i'm starting to really crave a brain burning chemical high cause there's a big void tearing through me lately, or it's like my skin's gone - and like other things, like Silver Surfer, and other lackluster hiphop similes

1 comment:

Zach said...

i once lived in an apartment on the 2nd floor, and there was a crazy old lady that lived in the apartment above me. she was totally psycho.

she would bang on my front door at 2 a.m. (still in her nightgown), and demand that i stop making so much noise. i'd been asleep in my bed, so i didn't know what the hell was up with her?

i started slamming the door in her clueless face and even this did not make her stop. after 6 months of not being able to get any sleep, i asked the building manager to let me move into another apartment.

since i still had my piano then, it cost me over $500 bucks just to move to a (much smaller) place in the same building. it totally sucked, but at least i was able to get some sleep, and do all the normal stuff that a person should be able to do in his/her living space.

have you thought about talking to your landlord/manager about this? if it continues to happen, i wouldn't just let it slide. you shouldn't have to live like a church mouse in your own private space. some people are totally fucked up, and don't deserve to be suffered gladly.

on the bright side, you were able to write a good post about a totally bad experience, plus i see you've given your blog a fresh coat of paint. dude, that's awesome.

good luck w/the crazy neighbor. something will change - it always does. don't let an idiot rob you of your sanity. you're not the problem.