Trying to be perky. Like I am with people I can be bothered with. As "on" as I am with anyone but frustrated and low. Attempting to see a sliver of good in things. Or Cheshire God in things. You won, God, you won the game of hide and seek. I couldn't even find you, you're so sneaky.
Trying not to take things too personally. Don't take them more personally than you need to, beyond the hard reality you better get used to, that they are judging you, of course, uhdoy. So the game is to endure their searing gaze until you're bigger than them. Like when you find god behind the couch in the woods on the mountain. Like you can creatine your way out of the low rung blues, do the protein shake, a fake plan of action.
Fuck it instrymental, horse-corpse percussion, swiping now the co-opted form with the added bonus of sentence case. Idle in details.
channeling easy mode
Sometimes I fade, like Bod . Then proceed to get away with things. Stealing time, treating myself. To a glorified journal entry. This pigmy...
6 comments:
i feel like posting a raging ranting post re my shitty job. but where is my will to try to get a better one? my dad told me, some time ago, that he and the other family members are very very disappointed in my lack of ambition. idk. i am really starting to dislike the ppl i work with. the last book they seem to have read was 'fun with DICK and JANE'. & last week i found myself explaining to one of the cooks what 'impoverished' means. ~t
i'm not saying that i am smarter then they are or that they are dumb but they are so predictable and boring and unwilling to accept anything they don't know. one cook didn't even know what a taco was!
i meant
'than'
!
ugh
that's a low-down shoddy thing for your dad to be saying, sorry to hear ~t~... i'm disappointed in HIS lack of ambition as a supportive father - you should disown him for that kind of crap, comparison to your siblings and shit, as if any of us need external help in feeling lesser than everyone else - btw, you may be too polite to say it, but yes, you are smarter than they are
i have distanced myself from them quite a bit. because they have done and said some very hurtful things. but i do love them for the good things they have done. you know, when i first got down here, i really clung to you and these blogs, it was my only outside connection to a part of me i didn't realize existed so strongly. the first couple of months i would pack up Dellerina and hike up to my sister's house in order to log on. and at night i would try to write while listening to my downloaded htc playlist on the windows media player. i should know all the lyrics to 'retinal grain'! then as soon as i got a job i got my own isp and it was so slow i couldn't even watch a video. anyway, thanks, u pulled me through some dark times and didn't even know it. : )
ah, the ol' hike up to log on to the internet tubes... the dial-up was so fresh, you could sell it to a vegan in oregon - maybe it's rose-tinted bullshit, but it makes me think back to times when i had to scabble for simple pleasures, like a half hour of comedy, or some internet chat with some fun people - when it's all on a silver platter it's not quite as much fun
i gotta write some new songs now, i'm bored of my old ones, but it makes me smile that someone listened to them - i need to evolve, i think - i think i have the technology, maybe the creative capacity, then there's the energy which is always hard to come by
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