solitaire

when i stop playing the three card monty game of online "dating" and come back to the angry rants of worldly observers, i feel better - politics is more honest, the cynicism earned, it's presented transparently... it's not snapchat filter bullshit and lol fucking w ppl - disappointed idealists comfort me, pick up my hope in humanity

watching myself get the dopamine hits from the notification sounds, the stupid involuntary heart racing for false positives, disgusting, why am i letting this happen, why did i re-start the experiment?

finally time to just read the ian welsh article about how we're just biding time, the twenty or so years we have left before we're past the event horizon of ecological collapse - but if that's the case, i want to make use of that time - but playing a rigged game isn't good use

the only thing keeping me going is that i'm in sight of the point at which i'm long past being able to say i gave it a good honest try, and can finally move on to the stage of recognizing it as a pointless waste of temporal emotional and creative investment

capital flight, share the wealth with self, share the love with none