glance

oh, it hurts so much
to see you again
and i'm sure it's so awkward for you, poor girl
oh, so awkward, but it's fucking painful for me

so just pretend you don't see me
i'll pretend i don't know you
as i run a rack of glasses to the bar
enjoy your meal
just keep on pretending
you're so practiced at pretending
it's not a lie if you believe it to be true

oh, i'd love to come by and say hi
but it's so much easier to lie

and it's my right to live in the past
you can't take that from me
but it won't impinge on your healthy new life, i guarantee
so savor your recent tragedies
they're not for me to share

cause i'm in the ancient guild of dishwashers, still
old school shenanigans

the easier softer way

playing old school starcraft with luc from 11 till well past midnight, then walking home...

it's not exactly "high on life" but it's a start - it's not stumbling about the wrecked/remorse hamster wheel - it's the easier softer way - neils suggested, if you don't know how to pray, just pray in gratitude, for whatever gold you can dig out of the day-to-day mundanity - i'm grateful i didn't poison my body yet again, and trash my soul, and muddy my mind, and trample my dignity, yet again, so soon after - oh, now i'm sounding so solemn and spiritual, which makes me a little sick, but it's true, i guess

and i'm grateful i got to play starcraft, and forget about wanting a drink, and go on a bit of a nostalgia trip - and we nearly died after the zergs rushed our base, we were down to two burning buildings - whereupon, i would have quit, but luc, god bless him, wouldn't give up, he's into tactics, and he likes that the terran buildings can fly, so he flew our last two buildings onto what turned out to be an island! luckily... so we built up a base, and found some minerals, and immediately set up air defense turrets with our mineral wealth, and held out against the air attacks and attempted invasions, and even expanded to a new island! and decided it was time to go on the offensive, so we did a little recon, and scouted out a landing place, because our resources were running out, and we needed more cash

so we went on the offensive, it was a gamble but it seemed to be working, we nabbed a vespine gas mine, upgraded our technology, started churning out wraith ships and siege tanks, repelled the attacks on our landing zone - but it was an all-or-nothing point, we needed to go on the offensive, attack and take over or get squeezed out eventually - so we went on a daring raid, 12 wraiths, 12 tanks, with marines and a mix of units in reserve - wasted vast swathes of zerg territory, but then the attack on the land base came out of nowhere, blinsided by the zerg army - our reserves were wiped out - our land base destroyed - a miscalculation - we rescued as many SCVs as we could with the dropships, but we'd blown our chance - evacuated to the islands where we held out for a while - i made the metaphor of japan's final days in the pacific war - we laughed

yeah, i remember when i used to have fun playing starcraft - back then i would have thought that drugs were for lunatics and losers - and i guess i would have been right - but i can't be snap and solemn and judgement and still be honest - i know the serrated e'edge of the see-saw, there's something beautiful about it, about hacking reality, about tweaking and fuzzing out - something beautiful and many many things ugly, and i'm in the process of conditioning myself to think that i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired - am i? i'll say that i am

keeping it simple

with windows default wallpaper - the nature theme

can't delve into my image archive, old patterns and poison - i like corrie, she told me it isn't too late to go back to school, she did when she was forty - well, i don't hardly have anything to say, but i said that, anyway

btw, corrie looks amazing for over forty, and i mean amazing like lithe, unconsciously sexy, short, slim, revealing - but first of all, you don't say to a woman "you look great FOR..." and second, you don't say that to a councellor

cold comfort for change

leap of faith it's worth it - i won't talk about cells - they're organic, not jails - you can have my empire of dirt - i will let you down, i will make you hurt

the, the
the the the
the, the finger condom broke - hope it doesn't get my hand pregnant

oooh, you're a dirty dish aren't you - you dirty dirty dish - this is my meal ticket, yet again - let c equal burnination - head full of AA, belly full of beer - mind full of sharp pizza cutting fragments - c'mon, let's make it happen - while there's still supply lines - i'm fucking serious, i haven't given up yet

matches sooth the burn

i like matches, they calm me, they grant me serenity - they're friendly and helpful, they light my cigarettes, they light my life - especially those long wooden waterproof matches that strike easily on the sides of their big boxes, and tease me with a little spark, a glow, and a fizzle, make me think they're going out, then fwoom, the whole fat tip of phosphorous goes up in a plume and the warm chemical smell wafts out, such a beautiful scent - i don't like matches, i love them - they're my solace, when i've turned the world to shit - sleep isn't even doing it for me these days, my sickness follows me into dreams, but matches are my friend

too much love

too few lovers - oh, maybe i didn't reach out enough

you know, despite what they say, and "they're" quite right and wise, love is worth it, it's even worth risking my recovery from drug abuse - so, i would, if i could, but i can't, so i won't - i dunno, i just figure, i've learned to get by without it, the kind of love that makes me willing to risk everything, that whole shebang, that drives me to play my A game - let's digress but stay on topic

i'm in a feelingful place at the moment, so, might as well feel, and not worry too much about the meaning - might as well sit, skin exposed, and just be, whatever this is - i'm so incomplete, and really feeling it lately - but at least i got out of that agro bar, snuck in under the 5$ cover for pay per view ultimate fighting, it's so ultimate, ugh - anyway, it's one of those things, where the frosted lucky charms won't do it, as a metaphor, but those dresses, or whatever you call them, will hit closer to the mark, those short cut, i dunno, i'm not used to talking sexy, much less writing about it, those dresses that hug the skin tight to accentuate those girl contours, they're like blouses, i guess, but they're almost like body suits, but they stop just a little after the whoohah, or just a little short, depending on how you look at it, i don't even know what to call them, but they're dressy, and this hottie was wearing one while i was playing pool, but it was so not my scene, no, not really, tho it could have been, in another life

i'm living more in my mind right now, i guess, and living through a bit of a grinder, but feeling a lot, and ill-content, fairly, i'd say - it can't come to any good, but whatever - you know, it would be cool if i could say "whatever" and be somehow alluring, but that's a feminine thing, that's a charm wielded, or even casually tossed about by the ones i covet - yeah, i'm in a coveting mood, and it don't make me special, but dayum man, or, nevermind

it's not a funky feeling, no no, it's just a word, it's just a woooooord, oh no, maybe it's a little more to me, love, i'm feeling it from afar, the absense is palpable, or it's very present, but the ability to express it, physically, the necessary counterpart to emotion, is kinda absent, yeah

a chocolate chip cookie

for when technique is useless - for when dreams are stillborn

miscommunication should be forged, through lack of words

acting on hallucinatory assumptions, let god sort it out

wait, who, what? what a leaden word, break the chain, ditch the anchor

go godless, c'mon all ye faithless

tech nevermind, fuck, what a drag thoughts are, associations

i'm an asshole
i fucked up a good thing
i hope you find someone more worthy of your charms than me



what else can i say, fucking philosophize? surplus words
flogging a dead horse


elsewhere, i'm a journeyman, making music
indulgently
now i'm looking from outside, as giving nothing
a nest of dead ends

there was a spark, earlier tonight
it blew out, that's life,
and that's that saying

i should become a mute
make that sacrifice
get beyond words
beyond self
but stick
@ ground 0

it is what it is

it's inauthentic

it knows my old tricks, my new tricks

desire, spent, let's satisfy mechanically, get it over with

synthesize satisfaction, call it an interval
a mundane tick, like alyssa said

it's surplus words, a reference
to a fellow writer said fellow will never read
she'll have a baby in calgary, i guess i don't
understand

i'd better make some use of wake time
or find a summer home in dreamland
someplace that will take me in, in neon
on a black screen, a private library
with bleary medlies of oldies movies
and musicals and monies

i'm burned out, what did i lose, can't remember
surplus words...