XVI

took life about as far as i could tonight
old chats, new chats
a lot of things failed
but it wasn't as bad as it might have been
i wished she was here, she agreed, she said
she may have even wished that first, and i agreed

an interlude, i'm drinking water
clear water

now, to the dark dregs
watery and dark magic

if there must be tears, let there be tears
the weight of whatever it is, i will feel it

peanut butter balls - tequila and beer

four oranges - it's on
it doesn't all have to be written down
but i try to, in the chaos

don't want to sleep
want to be awake, see the unconscious - that's the idea

four more oranges - maybe i'm in steakknife territory - off the bus, wandering a walmart in a haze, buying steakknives for no apparent reason - does this dark magic still have the capacity to make me feel strangely ill, whatever that feeling is, that i don't feel yet, but vaguely remember? the "plumbing" i've called it - is it plumbing the depths? i still taste peanut butter.

four more oranges
i probably couldn't do this so casually if i hadn't been softened up with alcohol earlier - i can't say i'm off the booze yet - still on the stupid affirmative paradigm, although with some presence of mind - enough to think, hey, drinking more isn't the best idea - and maybe think of some way of chatting that reveals the yearning, and yet is tasteful, but not too tasteful, not so much so that i become asexual - but when that's gone, hey, why not try the orange pills? i've always been less about sex than drugs - not that i like that, but it's my bent

and i'm not taking it lightly exactly, i'm writing, i'm turning it into a "thing" - but it's gonna come on hard, like that dark scorceror i know it is
it's always hard, crossing the threshold - and i haven't felt the slightest thing yet

but i can't get what i want in life
so i turn to levers, aided by pharmaceuticals

okay, four more oranges
16 oranges, no fucking around
this is gonna be a hell of a swoon
i usually like it after a while
but the onset wave is troubling
oral ingestion is always a heavy thing to take on
a long ordealish kind of thing
i remember last time i did this, i had full on hallucinations
which fascinated me

well here's my early steakknife itinerary
i think i will make a pot of kootenay spice tea
the taste is soothing - will it be in a swoon? we'll see i guess
i remember last time i did this, i actually got strangely speedy
it felt comfy in an amphetamine way, some tension-induced
mannerism was all i needed, just keep the tongue moving
and everything will be alright

the ABCs of jeremy - i hope it doesn't involve anyone else
i know i wouldn't have done this if i was sober
but i also probably never would have done anything else either
if i was sober

oh you rascal with your psychosomatic schemes
i wish i could be less cryptic, but cryptic is where the poetry is
i'm never trying to mess with anyone's head
i'm not too cryptic with chemicals, if i am it's just for fun
but when it comes to love, then i really feel the imperative
to code

and tonight the plan was to be defiantly sober - skip the social functions
read a book, then work on the script
instead i've invited hallucinations, the bonafide reality warps
amass more material for the script, i guess
the script, what'll i do with it?

i made myself a cup of kootenay spice
thin-steeped tea, actually no, it was lemon mint
thought i'd go for some novelty, it hasn't got the zing of kootenay spice
it's that halfway zone between lemon and mint

decided not to watch that nomeansno dvd
guess i was craving something more cerebral
even if they are the "thinking man's dead kennedys"
this is a chaotic approach, but it could be worse
it might be ideal in fact, let's not let morality enter into it
approach to what? oh, it's hard to define
well nigh impossible
i turned on the christmas lights
and my lamp, everything else off

it's 4 am - it's the sweet spot really
i'm right in the middle of a weekend - i have nothing to do
obligations slowly severed
i was reading some old chats
i would service the old paradigm if i could, would have relished
having that again, it turned me on the last time i remember
was memorable, i guess, feeling charitable all of a sudden
a girl's gotta have her kicks, and if she can't get them
i gotta remember, not everyone's like me, there was a girl
who was close, but not enough

feeling light headed and sleepy, it's coming on really smooth
so smooth i think it might just knock me out, even though i went into
this slightly debauched night on too much sleep

this lemon mint tea is nice